I think it is really important to understand why it is so hard to walk away from families who protect predators and have a culture of abuse and perversion, not just to explain it to people who have never been in a family that protected predators but for those who have. I have spoken with numerous adults who still attend family functions that include the very people who abused them when they were younger, and pretty much all of them have looked at me and asked why they can’t seem to just leave. It’s a complicated situation, and I’m not going to tell you I have all the answers for that, but I will give you what I know.

First, I want to point out that family predators do not target adults. They target small children or adolescents, and these kids do try to stop it. These kids know when something is creepy or dirty or wrong. They know when someone touching them doesn’t feel good or that they don’t like what someone says to them. They instinctively try to protect themselves. They DO try to leave the situation. They try to leave it by telling, and if that doesn’t work, they will try to avoid the abuser. If that doesn’t work, they develop other coping mechanisms like blacking out memories, self-medicating, drugs and alcohol abuse, self-harm, or even suicide. Every victim I know has tried to leave the situation in whatever means they could.

IF YOU ARE A VICTIM WHO TOLD OR TRIED TO AVOID THE PERSON TARGETING YOU, PLEASE HEAR ME!!!
YOU DID TRY TO STOP IT. YOU WERE STRONG. It took strength to tell. It took strength to protect yourself. Other people failed you. YOU did NOT fail you. You fought for you. Even if everyone else you know failed you and refused to see the problem, YOU were courageous and called it wrong. And before you say it didn’t matter, yes, it does. Because I want you to understand YOU are strong and brave. YOU are not weak. You didn’t “let” something happen to you. YOU fought it, and you should own that and be proud of yourself. Be proud of Little You that stood up and said something was wrong. Be proud of Little You for be brave and trying to protect you. You were brave.

Second, there is the indoctrination of family loyalty. It doesn’t matter what happened. You don’t talk about it because if you do, it might upset this person or that person. If you tell, family gatherings won’t be fun anymore. It doesn’t really count because it’s a family member. You certainly don’t tell anyone outside the family because you don’t want the family to look bad, do you?

The family is everything.
Your job is to sacrifice yourself to protect the family and keep it running smoothly.

Third, you develop a dependency on the family for safety. I know. I have been talking about how the family puts you at risk because they protect the predator, and now I am saying the family is what keeps you safe. Which is it? (Literally) insanely enough, both.

A lot of folks talk about how the family protects the predator by telling the victim to be quiet and not tell. That is the overt dynamic. The hidden dynamic that happens is that the victim has to protect themself from the predator, so they make sure they are never alone with the predator at family gatherings. That means they have to be close to the other family members. The other family members then become the source of safety. The victim learns they need the family as a whole to keep them safe. The family becomes part of their means of survival.

The victim learns they need the family as a whole to keep them safe.
The family becomes part of their means of survival.

When I write it out, it looks crazy. Logically, we all know the family is unsafe because it is protecting the predator. I know. But for children and young adults there is no logic. There is survival. There are the people who are nice to you that you know you are safe around, so the predator doesn’t get you. You need those people because you aren’t big enough to protect yourself. You see them as your protection and safe place, and that is one key part that keeps the system functioning. You develop a loyalty, love, and need for those people.

The second key part is how you see yourself. You see yourself as powerless to stop the predator. You see yourself as less important than this horrible person. You don’t have a right to make people unhappy, even when you absolutely do have a right. If you have to choose between your being unhappy or harmed or someone else being harmed, you have to sacrifice yourself. You see yourself as someone who needs the family because you aren’t okay alone.

You see yourself as someone who needs the family
because you aren’t okay alone.

Because that is indoctrinated into people at such a young age, it becomes part of a person’s core belief system and identity, and even adults may not understand why they cannot fathom the idea of choosing themselves over the family’s predator protection culture despite logically identifying the perversion involved and the damage that has been done to them.

Why not just leave? Because that was not an option they have ever had, and they are still functioning within the system that indoctrinated them. It isn’t until they can see themselves outside that system that they are able to actually escape it, and that takes a lot more than logic.

Jerri Kelley is a writer, speaker, lover of dogs, and believer in the power to heal and change your life. She shares the crazy from her life so others can find themselves within her stories. She shares how life changed so others find hope and courage to change their stories.