For more than a week I have been discussing the family predator culture, how it continues, how to heal, why people leave. I have shared part of my story and other people’s stories, but today I want to talk about your story. If you are a victim of the predator victim culture, there are things I want you to know.

First, it isn’t your fault. I know people say that and someone says, “Well, duh, that person was a kid. How could it be their fault?” The obvious answer is it can’t be, but is terrifying to me how much happens that kids take the blame on themselves. And sometimes, the abuser/predator will tell the child it is something they did, that it is because they are special or pretty. Sometimes it is because they have done something wrong and have to be punished. But the truth is, and I really want you to hear this, the abuse happened because the abuser made the choice to do it, and in the case of family predator culture, no adult stopped it. NONE of that is your fault.

Second, you are not obligated to stay in that culture. You can choose to stop going to family gatherings. I understand the indoctrination that says we owe the family, but we don’t. The family failed. The family may still be failing. You are not obligated to enable, support, or endure that. You can walk away.

Third, you are strong enough to do this. I understand the fear that you can feel when you think of not having this group of people to fall back on. I understand the fear of backlash and what people will think and what family members will tell the community or the church and what people will think. I understand all of that. And I am telling you, you are strong enough to handle all of that.

Fourth, heal. Be honest. Tell your story. Confront people if you need to. Cut ties. Walk into the emotions that keep you quiet and blow the lid off. Face the feelings of shame and disgust. Face down the lies that made you a victim. Build a new family. Family isn’t blood and genetics. You can build a new one that is healthy from folks you have no blood-tie to.

Most importantly…

You can change your story.

You are not a child waiting for someone to protect you. You are an adult who can protect yourself.

You don’t have to let someone say things that make you uncomfortable. You don’t have to let someone touch you. You don’t have to be around people who make you feel bad about yourself. You can tell people to not talk to you that way. You can refuse to attend functions where you are treated with or spoken to with disrespect. You can stand up to people who try to demean you. You have power to defend yourself.

And you don’t have to do it by making yourself small or trying to avoid situations or people. You do it by being strong in who you are. You are created to take up space and be amazing. I know that predators and abusers can cause you to make yourself small so you aren’t seen or are less likely to be targeted because you couldn’t protect yourself before, but you were not created to be small. And your story doesn’t have to be one of being small to avoid the wrong attention. It can be the story of living big and taking up your whole space and bringing attention to important things.

Your story may be like mine. Your story may include family predator culture and the effects on your self-image or what you felt you had to allow. I am telling you from first hand experience, that does not have to remain your story. You have the right to create the story you want and be the heroine or hero you dream of being. Yeah, people tried to hijack your story and make it about them. Take it back and make it everything you want it to be.

You have the right to create the story you want and be the heroine or hero you dream of being.

You are not what happened to you, and you are not condemned to be part of the culture in which you grew up. You have the power to change things. You have the power to be the healing force. You have the right to be healthy.

So, who are you going to be?

Jerri Kelley is a writer who uses her story to heal and encourage others. While her story has some ugly parts it with some shady characters that have left some challenges to overcome, Jerri believes while those voices may echo in her story, ultimately, her story is still hers to write.