Yesterday I posted about my experience with a family predator and how it made me an easy target later in life. I’ve been asked what happened to the uncle and to the coach.

“So what happened to the uncle and coach?”

I didn’t sleep with the coach. He moved away, and I have no idea what happened to him.

The uncle, well, the summer after I graduated high school he made physical advances, and I told my aunt. She believed me and evidently threatened him because he never tried anything physical again, but he continued to be mouthy at family gatherings, which I stopped attending for awhile. Then when I was around 20 or 21, I attended a family dinner, and he was there and told me I should go on a diet because my “butt is filling out those jeans pretty good.” I whirled around and said loud enough for everyone in the living area to hear something akin to, “Why are you looking at my butt or my jeans? Only a pervert goes to family get-togethers and stares at his niece’s butt. You are a sick bastard, and I don’t want you talking to me again.”

Silence. The room froze. He walked out and stayed outside the rest of the day.

No one in the family said anything. No correction. No support. Nothing. I didn’t care. I was done with that, and if need be, I was done with the family.

In the decades since, we’ve spoken a few sentences at two social gatherings, and I haven’t seen him in years.

I doubt I am the only teenager those men targeted. I have read many stories of schools that pass “problem teachers” around to new hunting grounds. I am very sure that coach found other easy targets to prey upon. No, I don’t think that is my fault for not reporting him. I think it is his fault for being a predator, and I think society finds them easy to ignore. As for my uncle, none of the cousins have mentioned interactions with him. Perhaps it was just me, but typically predators don’t have one single target their whole lives.

After I wrote yesterday’s blog and schedule, I wondered why I finally told my story. I have one friend who knows about the coach, and I’m not sure if anyone knew about the uncle, so why tell now?

A friend of mine who is now an adult was sexually abused by a family member as a child and wasn’t believed. She is now in a similar situation with a different family member as an adult , and she doesn’t know what to do. To me that is easy. You walk away and never look back. For her, the indoctrination is very deep. She doesn’t “want to look like a bitch” for not showing up at family events. She still hears the voices in her head telling her she is the problem, she needs to be quiet so she doesn’t upset the family, and the predator/pervert’s life is more important than hers. Even as an adult, she is trying to negotiate with her mental health for the family peace. Maybe if she avoids him, maybe if she attends fewer functions, maybe… Maybe tell the SOB to f-himself and declare him dead to you. Oh, wait, that is my brain talking.

And people wonder why even as adults victims don’t just walk away. It’s because a family system said what those people did was okay. It wasn’t just a one event thing. It was systemic. It was indoctrination. Everyone approved, so who are you to argue? It’s like some sexualized perverted mob family thing. The family comes first, and you are expendable.

So why am I telling my story?

Because it isn’t just my story.

And we need to talk about it.

We need to talk about the short term and long term effects. We need to talk about the guilt of upending the family and the guilt of staying quiet and realizing there are other victims. We need to talk about the mental impact long after the actions stop. We need to talk about how friends and the church and neighbors attack you when you set boundaries and all of the sudden those family members who never protected you are the poor victims and just don’t understand how you could treat them so badly.

And I’m talking about it because I know how hard walking away is because I did it, and I want you to know you can walk away from it, too.