Do you ever feel that way? Like you are beginning again…for the kazillionth time?

My mathematical brain describes it as:
(Beginning again) to the Nth degree.

I admit I tend to find that thought deflating and often defeating. I mean, I’ve tried this, whatever “this” is, before…several times…and failed. What in the world makes me think I am going to be successful this time?

Maybe nothing. Or maybe the fact that I haven’t quit.

Maybe the fact that I am trying again is what makes me think I am going to be successful this time. I mean, it must be important or I would have given up by now. But I haven’t. Instead, I have given things deep thought, created some strategy, made some adjustments, and pulled in people support.

And I am beginning again.

I am developing a routine and mental rhythm for writing…again.

I am beginning a fitness program…again.

I am working on my photography…again.

I’ve worked on all of those things in the past, but they have not been priority due to life events that were more important or my own beliefs that someone or something else was more important than my goals and dreams.

This time, I am choosing to prioritize them and believe my goals and dreams are important.

And therein lies the real reason I believe I will succeed this time although I haven’t in the past.

The value I give something determines how much work I am willing to put into it and how much I am willing to alter my life, priorities, routines, and relationships in order to make it happen.

This time I choose to prioritize my writing, fitness, and photography more than I value my comfort zone, my routine, my sleep, being warm, relationships or habits that don’t feed my mind or soul because I value myself and the way I can influence lives, reveal truth, reveal God.

This time it I am not looking for accolades or followers. I am not looking for a pat on the shoulder or a my silhouette from my 20s.

This time I am looking for myself.

This time I am looking for the joy and pride that comes with living up to my potential, growing in my knowledge and skills, and seeing the impact of my work.

I am looking for how excellent I can be as a writer, photographer, adventurer. I am looking for the Jerri that does hard things and gets off the couch even when she isn’t in the mood to exercise, chooses to be cold or hot in order to get the perfect picture, writes even when she isn’t sure what she is going to say. I am looking for the little girl who faced hard things with the assumption she would conquer them. I am looking for the 16-year old who fell in love with photography looking at “National Geographic” staring into the eyes of The Afghan Girl, the one who wanted to share that kind of truth with the world and leave that kind of indelible mark, who wanted people’s gaze arrested as their world was changed with her images. I am looking for the Jerri who believed she could accomplish anything and had the determination to try again and again until she did.

And maybe this starting again…again…is actually that Jerri fighting her way out of the layers of life that have buried so much but never suffocated the fire that was breathed into her by the One who knows what she can accomplish…because of who she was created to be.

Maybe this starting again…this time…is different because I am no longer looking to do something to impress people but am determined to be someone that I find impressive.

In which case I wonder…am I actually beginning again or am I finally truly beginning?

copyright 2026 Jerri Kelley