Recently someone asked me if I am going to do my typical series of posts on grief and the holidays. No. I’m not.

The truth is I am tired of grief. I have been posting about grief and the holidays and grief and birthdays and grief and anniversaries and grief in general for over 10 years. I started posting about it because I needed a place to put my thoughts and to process the journey of grief through special days…and every day.

This year, maybe because it has been packed with change and loss, I am tired of the grief journey. Our journey started 15 years ago, and since then, it has felt like it took so long to get our feet under us after our life was carpet bombed, and I say “us” because it was the kids and me, which made my journey even longer as I worked to stabilize them and then deal with my own grief as well as their grief journey. If you are a parent of a child who has lost a parent, you know what I mean.

Then this year with losing Raymond and Chaela moving and other changes and losses.

I’m done with the grief journey.

I know that may sound odd, but I am. I think some of you know what I mean.

It doesn’t mean I won’t grieve. It doesn’t mean I won’t feel sadness. It means I’m tired of that being so much of the focus of my experience.

I think there is wisdom in knowing there will be all the emotions, but I think it is sabotage for that to be what I think of when I think of the holidays.

The same person asked me what I am going to do for the holidays.

I’m going to get through them.

This year is vastly different than it has ever been for me.

I have mentioned before my brother was my only sibling, and our parents passed years ago. My kids are both in different states and are not expected to be home for the holidays at all, not even my birthday this year. So this is very different. I expect to have all the emotions. I expect to sit in the home I inherited from my brother, look at the dining table, and think about how he wanted to have Thanksgiving dinner here this year even if it was only him and me, and I expect that to be hard. I expect to miss my mom’s cooking. I miss it every year, and I expect to be thankful I don’t have to cook a big dinner. I really liked not cooking last year. I expect to think of holiday gatherings in the past and feel gratitude and some emptiness. I expect to be incredibly grateful because I am wildly blessed and have good memories to look back on. So many people don’t. I had a family. I had family gatherings that did have laughter and games and great food. A lot of folks never have that. I am blessed, and I expect to feel that and be grateful.

I expect to pick something up on Wednesday that I can heat up on Thursday and maybe Friday since I won’t have turkey leftovers. I expect to watch football and eat football food like nachos or Frito pie, maybe. I expect to fall asleep on my couch while the TV is on, and I figure at some point, I will watch my favorite Christmas movie to get the season started while I have a slice of coconut cream pie with some coffee.

I expect it to be a good day.

Emotional? Probably. But very good.

Very often when we talk about grief and the holidays, we try to prepare for the grief because we know it is coming and we dread it. I understand. We try to steel ourselves against the emotions and the gaping hole left by loved ones. We try not to let the pain bury us. I’ve done that many times. And I’m tired of doing that. I am honestly not sure it is actually helpful. I don’t think that aids the healing, and I really believe we are supposed to be healing. I think we are supposed to be moving through the loss to joy and the good things of life. No, we never forget the loss, but I have seen too many people who forget how to live.

This year’s loss and changes have left me excited about living.

So, no, this year I am not posting my usual stuff about grief and the holidays. Instead, I’m going to focus on intentional joy and making life full.

I hope you come along for the journey.

Jerri Kelley