Jerri Kelley

I have considered deleting my post from yesterday about the holidays and being tired of grief because, once again, I evidently didn’t communicate well.

The point that I was trying to make is that holidays for a lot of people come with all the emotions, and I know people who are stuck in their grief and that defines everything.

I know people whose holidays will not be spent with family or their kids, and they will camp out with their depression and how things used to be.

I know people who have lost loved ones and cannot move beyond the sadness of that loss, especially on the holidays, because this is not how it should be, never mind the wonder and joy that actually is.

I know people whose holidays are not what they want, and they are bitter.

I know people who only see what isn’t and do not have gratitude for what is.

My posts on grief and the holidays are recognition that for some people holidays are understandably incredibly painful and hard, and I have tried to validate the sadness and loss while offering perspective on the joy and fullness that still exists and encouraging people find even tiny pieces of joy and hope in the hardest places because I believe healing is intentional. Finding joy again is intentional. Seeing the good things in life is intentional.

I have spent over 10 years trying to help shift mindsets, encouraging gratitude, and suggesting ways to find joy despite the loss or sadness.

I know holidays can be hard. Life can be hard. The point I was trying to make is I experience those same life changes and emotions, BUT I am not letting those be the defining part of my holidays, and I think a lot of what I have written over the years that was meant to be helpful and give light in the darkness so people could move forward has too often been taken as commiseration that validated the choice to let grief define the holidays.

I am tired of stepping backward into my grief in an effort to find people in theirs so they don’t feel alone only to find out that I am unintentionally enabling people to be sad and miserable for the holidays, and honestly, I feel that is how a lot of people take my posts on grief. Instead of taking them as an acknowledgement of the hard with encouragement to face it while also embracing all the goodness of life, they take it as permission to cling to their grief and all the reasons things are not happy anymore.

I think some people took yesterday’s post that way. I think they see saw it as “survival” steeped in emptiness and sadness. That’s not me, though, which is what I’ve been trying to convey for the last 10-plus years. I don’t sit in misery. As I told a friend of mine during the summer, I don’t do sadness well. I will go hunting for some kind of happy because there are way to many good things still out there and way too much joy and beauty to find and experience and share to look backward at who is gone or sit in a place of sadness. No. I am a big proponent in hunting the good stuff even if you are wiping tears along the way.

The point I was trying to make is that my kids won’t be home, so I am doing stuff I never got to do when my parents, late husband, or the kids were here. I actually get to watch football and not cook, something I never got to do when the kids were here. I don’t enjoy cooking, and I enjoy cooking holiday meals even less. Raymond and I had decided if it was just us this year, we were getting Cracker Barrel. LOL Since he isn’t here, I am going to Longhorn Steakhouse and getting steak, salad, and baked potato to eat for Thanksgiving. I really don’t like turkey, and I am tired of ham, but I dig steak. Didn’t get to do that when the kids were here because they wanted a traditional meal. Yes, I miss my mom’s cooking. She was an excellent cook, but it also meant I didn’t have to cook. 🙂 And, yes, I do miss playing 42 with my dad. That is something I will miss probably as long as I take up oxygen on this planet, but it is also something that I will laugh about for as long as I take up space on this planet because playing 42 with him was a riotous gift.

I find falling asleep on the couch with football on oddly satisfying. That is like a weird life luxury thing for me. And I will have coconut cream pie, also something I didn’t have when my folks, husband, or kids were here because everyone liked pumpkin and chocolate, and I did not need to eat that coconut pie all by myself but would have.

And if I wake up early Thanksgiving Day and am so inclined, there are lots of places I can do a turkey trot 5K that have sign ups the morning of. The jury is still out on that, although I have to say, I have wanted to do that since I was in my late teens. I love race energy, and I would have a blast wearing some fun outfit and trotting with a bunch of other turkeys. AND I wouldn’t have to come home and cook for anyone. It is a serious win all the way around.

No, I don’t know if my kids will be home at all this holiday season. I don’t expect it. My daughter works at a hotel, and my son works retail, so not holiday-time-off-friendly. But my point isn’t that woe-is-me-I’ll-be-alone. My point is there are other options for the holidays. There are other ways to enjoy the holiday season than what we’ve always done.

My point was all the changes don’t have to be lead-weight-grief or sadness. It can simply be a change. And I can miss the things that brought me joy in the past, be grateful for them, AND find new things that bring me joy now.

Last year I volunteered at multiple events and had a great time! I highly recommend volunteering if you want some fun stuff to do that doesn’t require anything but showing up and doing what you are told. Y’all, seriously, that was so perfect! I just showed up, was my exuberant so-glad-you-are-here self, and had the best time. 5 out of 5. Highly recommend.

Yes, I will miss some of the stuff we usually do, but there are so many options with holidays and shows and high school football playoffs and musical performances and “Dickens in the Square” type things and photography possibilities that there is no reason to sit around and be mired in the sadness of what-used-to-be-but-isn’t-anymore. However, it requires an intentional choice of finding something new and doing it. That’s it.

And, yes, I am going to miss Raymond, but I miss him everyday, and yet, I still find joy, so I have a feeling Thanksgiving will be much the same.

And that is what I really was trying to convey.

How people get through the holidays is a choice.

A lot of people choose to be miserable because life has changed. They choose to ruminate on the person who used to like this pie or how that person brought that food or how the whole family used to whatever, which would be great…if they did it with gratitude, but too often they do it with sadness and grief. They are so busy looking back that they don’t look at the possibilities of here and now.

And isn’t that what the holidays are about? Possibilities?

I mean, Christmas is THE holiday that screams possibilities and throws joy and hope around like wild confetti in the hands of a barefoot 5-year old with her mother’s smeared lipstick on her face sporting a fluffy tutu dancing to a glorious soundtrack in her head.

Yesterday what I hoped to convey is that there will be moments during the holidays that I am going to miss people I have lost, but I am still going to love the life I have. These are not mutually exclusive but exist wrapped tightly together like a double helix of life on this planet. I have no problem embracing both as blessings. I think that is actually the right way to see things.

And I was hoping to challenge others to see the changes as points of possibility for new joys even among the hard things.

Evidently, I did not convey any of that well yesterday. Hopefully, I have done better today. 🙂

With joy and hope like confetti in the hands of a wildly dancing 5-year old…

Jerri Kelley