It’s a strange thing to tell people I am a follower of Christ. In fact, sometimes I don’t want to say that, not because I am embarrassed by Jesus, but because I am embarrassed by my lack of looking like Jesus.

Today is one of those days.

The truth is I often feel like people who think so highly of me only think highly of me because they don’t see me every minute of everyday. They don’t see me lose it with the HOA gestapo because I receive a letter threatening me with a fine because I was notified of an issue that “still exists”. Except the previous issue? It was in May. This issue? Not related. I could give you the whole rundown, but this is not about them. This is about me.

And the fact, I raised my voice.
And used not-Jesus words as an adjective synonym for “male bovine excrement.”
Would I have sounded more like Jesus if I had used those words?
Is it really the words that are the issue?
Or is it that I am utterly livid and gave God suggestions on how to handle their by-law worshiping absurdities?

I know. Jesus flipped tables.

Trust me. That phone call was flipping tables and popping a whip.

But I wonder.
What does the person I was speaking with think of me as a “Christian” now?
If he isn’t a believer, would I have credibility to talk to him as one now?

But, and I think this is what bothers me the most, I wonder what other Jesus-followers would think of me if they had heard that conversation?
Would they still think I am a wonderful Christian woman?
Or would they think I am a fake?
Or would they excuse that because the HOA gestapo is infuriating and I’m human and they deserve it?

See, I want grace.
But I also want to be transformed.
I want grace.
But I don’t want excuses.
I want grace.
But I want wisdom to handle it better.
I want grace.
But I also want to be the person that makes someone ask what makes me different because they see Jesus in me…and me in Jesus.

I worry that way too often I give people a reason to see hypocrisy.
And the most hypocritical thing about it is I think I worry about how other Christians would think of me more than how non-believers think of Jesus.
And, y’all, that is…stuff I don’t want to confess because it is UGLY. Hideously ugly.

But sometimes I am hideously ugly.
I don’t want to admit it.
My ego REALLY does not want to admit it.
But sometimes I am.

I don’t know if being angry with the HOA gestapo was wrong. I have a real issue with a group that fines a home owner $200 for painting her door pink without asking permission first and then putting a lien against her house because she didn’t paint it another color fast enough. Yes, in fact, I believe they deserve their tables flipped and their backsides slapped with a whip.

BUT, it’s the way I handled the anger. It’s the words I said and the decibel level at which I said them that were very not-like-Jesus.

Sometimes I feel like Doc Holiday in Tombstone. “It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds.”

The Bible says to confess our sins one to another, and, y’all, I’m confessing. I react with intense anger when I feel like I am being attacked unfairly. I know, pray for your enemy. I do…after I say things I should have said in a better way. Yeah, I know. Hypocrisy. And it’s ugly.

Believe me.
I know.

Feeling really crummy for once again not handling that better,
Your Jesus-loving friend who still deals with a humiliating level of hypocrisy