Jerri Kelley

Seven years ago I did a lot of renovation work on our house. I put in floors, fixed plumbing, replaced lighting fixtures, redid all the baseboards, painted everything. I told how I did things, gave kudos to the folks who told me how to do things (they were fantastic), and shared pictures of the progress and finished products. I also made a commitment to share the things that I did not do well because I wanted people who were scared to try things to know it’s okay to try, make a mistake, learn, and try again. That is how new skills are learned. The key is not being perfect. The key is being humble enough to learn and persistent enough to keep trying.

It’s easy to share those things about a skill I am learning or a project. It’s a different thing to share those things about aspects of my life and my character, but I think it is important to talk about my honest sanctification process and growth because I want people to know the process is real for everyone and if they are dealing with their own issues, God is still right there to work through it with them. The key, though, is WORK THROUGH it, not enable, ignore, or rationalize. Today I am working through.

Because today I am failing.

Today my prayers are going something like, “Just burn them down. Over it. Burn them down.” Deep breath as I remember the Word says to pray for my enemies. “Okay, pray for my enemies. Father God, I am asking you to…burn them to the ground. Sorry. Sorry. Okay, Father, I am asking you to…help me because I just want to burn them to the ground. If they were a building, I would want a flamethrower. I need your mind and your heart because I can’t do this. I cannot find words to pray blessings over them.”

Another breath.

“Father, I ask you to give them what they deserve. No. Wait. I don’t want what I deserve. Okay, don’t give any of us what we deserve. I just…maybe I should just be quiet. Except you know my thoughts anyway, so let’s talk through this and get to the other side. Even if we have to talk about it and get to the other side again later today.

“Here is the thing. I am asking you to advocate for me and give me peace while the war with them rages. Show me how I need to stand against this situation with character and not rage because rage doesn’t not bring about the godliness you desire or the outcome I want.

“And forgive me for my anger and desire to unleash holy war…or unholy war…on them. Help me keep my eyes on you and trust you to work this out for my good because right now, I’m not there. I have said repeatedly, even yesterday, that where I hit my limits, you are there ready to be everything necessary. I have hit my wall, and I need you to be everything.

” I am so angry, and I need your strength to be tenacious in this marathon. I also need the Holy Spirit to remind me that you are my Advocate and use all things to my good. I need the Holy Spirit to remind me that all trials are to mature me because right now, I don’t want to be mature. I want to file a lawsuit and beat their arrogant butts.

“I am confessing where I am to you because you are the Father I can go to when I am failing. I am not asking you to approve of my attitude. I’m asking you to help me change it.

“I know sometimes peace comes from compromise and kindness. Sometimes peace comes from slamming a stone into a giant’s head. Right now, I am ready to go hunting for stones. BUT, I don’t want my anger to make that decision for me. I want faith to do that. Faith is a trust issue, not a rage one. That is where I want to function from, and I am asking you to help me with this because, really, right now, I’m failing, but I am trying. Thank you for listening and being my Advocate, not just with them but in my own ickiness and sinful attitudes. You are beyond amazing to me. Thank you.”

Yep, today I am failing, but God is still faithful, and we are going to find the way through.

Honestly,
Jerri