I have been debating whether to write about this or not, but I think there needs to be some honest conversation, and y’all know I am not one to hide from those. Having said that, this is a hard topic, and I am going to take a few posts and talk about it. I am going to say things that upset people, but I ask you to read this and learn because what I tell you could save someone’s life. Literally.

Tonight I went to the Midnight Market here in Sanger and the Denton Area LOSS group had a tent. This is a group of volunteers who reach out to families who lose a loved one to suicide. Emily was at the tent, and we had an excellent conversation. Let me say now:

Suicide Hotline number is 988.

You can call or text if you need to talk to someone.

I put that here now because I understand if you are going through a hard time, want the pain to stop, or feel like the world is better without you that you may not have a person in your life you are comfortable talking to but you need to talk. Talking with someone who knows how to listen and help you deescalate the feelings can make things manageable again.

I want you to know I understand if you can’t tell anyone close to you. I don’t have anyone I would call if I were considering harming myself either, and I realize there are a lot of people who will be upset if they read that, mostly they will be angry and tell me how it made THEM feel, which is part of the reason I wouldn’t tell them. When you are fighting to keep your head above water, you don’t have the energy to take care of other people. Yesterday I had lunch with one of my closest friends, and he said, “I know if you weren’t okay, you’d reach out to me,” and I said, “No, I wouldn’t. I don’t reach out to you when I am having a day when I am overwhelmed by all the ways my life has changed and all the things I have to deal with because I know you don’t get it. Why would I call you if I was thinking about suicide?”

And that’s really it, isn’t it? It’s all the stuff and the fact people don’t get it. I know…I really do know, but that is a long topic and needs its own post.

So if you are that person who is overwhelmed and fighting to keep your head above water and feel like you are losing the battle but there is no one you would reach out to, call or text 988.

If you need to, put a graphic on your phone to remind you that there is a lifeline that you can use.

I also want to deal with the voice that tries to tell you that you are pathetic for not having friends you can call. That voice lives in the back corner of my brain, too, so I know others hear it. I want you to know I am not pathetic, and neither are you. There are a lot of reasons you may not have someone to call. It may be that the people you know don’t know how to respond. I’ve been there. I reached out to some folks when my life was carpet bombed 15 years ago, and they made it worse. I understand being afraid of what people would say. But that is their failure, not yours. I also understand if you are the one who takes care of everyone and listens to everyone and that leaves you with no one to lean on. I understand that well. That is a lonely place, but it is not pathetic. It means you are really strong and protective and nurturing.

But being strong doesn’t mean you don’t have a breaking point. It means you handle a lot, but sometimes life throws SO MUCH at us all at once that it can be hard to find our way through. It’s okay to need a kind voice to listen to you. It’s okay to call 988 and say, “Hey, this is really weird because I am the one who takes care of everyone, but I need someone to sit with me for a bit.” That doesn’t mean you are weak. It certainly doesn’t mean you are some kind of failure. It means you are a human going through a hard place and need someone to sit with you in it.

So if you are in pain and you have nowhere to put that pain or no one to hand some of it to, please, please call or text 988. Talking to a complete stranger can be incredibly helpful and cathartic, and you don’t have to worry about letting them down or them thinking less of you. They aren’t going to give you a quote or a verse that says they really aren’t listening and really don’t get it.

I worked a suicide hotline when I was in college, and the folks there are trained to listen and give you a safe space for as long as you need to be there. 988 is an excellent resource if you need a place to share what is happening, sort through it, and breathe with someone who chooses to step into that with you.

Life can be hellish hard, and it can leave you unable to breathe. You are valuable and wanted here. Please do what you need to do to stay here.

Holding your hand from here because I know.
Jerri Kelley