Earlier today I was talking to a friend about the day to day life of following Christ and how one day we can be on a mountain top and the next day we are scraping the bottom of the barrel. I laughed and said, “Who needs a whole day? I can be praising Jesus at 7 am, hands up, declaring the glory of God, joy radiating off me, and something happen and me be losing my mind at 9:05. Being human is crazy.”

Then came 7:30 pm. When I got the mail. And my really great day went south like a large rock in water sort of way.

Once again I am having to deal with an issue from my brother’s estate that I can’t deal with until the probate is finished, and who knows when that will be? And, really, I just want to cry. I just want to crawl in bed, say something ungodly, and stay there because, y’all, I’m so tired of this stupidity.

But.

I ask myself this question: Do you trust God?

Or to be more blunt:
Do you think God is going to fail?
Do you think he has walked out on you and is laughing in the corner while you are trying to get this stuff figured out?
Do you think this is the time when he doesn’t show up?

Now, when I start asking it like that, it hits differently, doesn’t it?

When I ask you if you trust God, of course you do. We’re Christians. We know God loves us. Of course we trust Him.

But do we?

And this is where the rock stops falling because the circumstances aren’t really the issue.
My lack of trust is.

And I have to stop and look at the God who sent His Son to die for me and say, “I think you are going to fail me. I think you are not trustworthy. I don’t think you love me. I don’t think you are going to show up. I don’t think you are going to make something good out of this. I think you are flakey and undependable. You fail too many times to be trusted.”

If I am going to let that rock keep falling, I have to look at the one Being in my whole life who has done nothing but love me when I was completely unlovable and say, “You are such a failure I don’t trust you.”

And I can’t do that.

That isn’t who He is.

That isn’t how He’s been.

That isn’t how He has loved me.

So I grab the rock and hand it to Him and say, “This is really scary for me because I don’t know what the road holds between here and done, and I am so tired of dealing with the same thing over and over. I miss my brother, and I hate all of this. BUT, you are still trustworthy. You are still loving. You are still the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. And even when the circumstance is hard, I will speak the truth about you, and the truth is you never fail. You always love. You always show up. You always take care of me. In this moment, none of this feels okay, but YOU are always solid, and I will feel the joy of you and knowing you are trustworthy.”

I don’t know any other way to handle those moments except to be honest with God about them…and be honest ABOUT God in them.

Walking this road moment by moment,
Jerri